Well, today has been a bit easier all together, emotionally and physically (since surgery on Thursday). I praise God for that, because after my last DNC I wasn't feeling great for a few weeks afterward; God's grace at work! My stomach feels much better and I haven't cried.
I awoke this morning wanting to attend church (in my heart), but very tired and crampy physically....so I stayed home. I watched a sermon on television and although very good, I knew I was missing something good at church (that's typically how it works! lol) I prayed, then decided it was time to get up and move about some, hoping it would help my stomach cramps. I cleaned, then rested, cleaned, then rested some more. After lunch, I began feeling much better, organizing my food storage containers and such. Emotionally, I am in pretty good spirits on the outside, but still hurting on the inside. I kinda just feel "blah". I mean, I laugh and smile, but it wouldn't take very much to make me cry either. PS> When I'm not crying, it's not because I'm "trying to be strong" or "holding it in" ; it's because I'm not ready to cry or I don't feel the urge to. I might be sad, but I don't always have to cry.
With all the "good" and "getting better" going on, I still find myself wondering what happened to my pregnancies...all three of them! The first time we lost a baby (Feb, 2010), it was considered a blighted ovum. A Blighted Ovum (in lamens terms), is where the egg has fertilized but doesn't develope past a certain stage (usually after several weeks). That was tough, but we also considered that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so although we didn't like the circumstance, we just put it behind us and decided to keep trying. Well, once again we conceived (Summer, 2010) with our sweet Selah (see picture). There were a few hiccups within the first trimester, but nothing terrible or harmful to the baby. We continued celebrating the pregnancy and were looking foward to holding our little girl! We made it to the 3rd. trimester and then the worst thing that could've happened, happened....we lost her. Two months before she would enter this world, she was gone. Just like that. Again?! No rhyme or reason, just gone. Test showed no abnormalities, no blood disorder, no positive results to any one test. She was a healthy baby, that was full of energy when awake (loved to poke and wake me almost every night! lol) We pulled ourselves together once again, with our faithful Lord beside us all the way, and of course tons of support from friends and family alike! :) Healed from that heartache, we put ourselves out there, willing to take a chance on love...once again. And again I ask "why?" For this 3rd. pregnancy ended almost the same as the first, not as a Blighted Ovum, but as a "typical" miscarriage. We went in for our first ultrasound at 6 wks, 1 day and saw the heartbeat! We were overjoyed with the news of another baby!! Two weeks later (this past Thursday, Jan. 12), just to ease our minds, we went back in for a 2nd. ultrasound to see the baby's growth and to hear the heartbeat. No heartbeat to see or hear; the baby stopped growing the day of our last ultrasound at 6 wks, 1 day. Again?! Yes, again. :(
But I state, even as I grieve...God is still God, and God is Good!!
I awoke this morning wanting to attend church (in my heart), but very tired and crampy physically....so I stayed home. I watched a sermon on television and although very good, I knew I was missing something good at church (that's typically how it works! lol) I prayed, then decided it was time to get up and move about some, hoping it would help my stomach cramps. I cleaned, then rested, cleaned, then rested some more. After lunch, I began feeling much better, organizing my food storage containers and such. Emotionally, I am in pretty good spirits on the outside, but still hurting on the inside. I kinda just feel "blah". I mean, I laugh and smile, but it wouldn't take very much to make me cry either. PS> When I'm not crying, it's not because I'm "trying to be strong" or "holding it in" ; it's because I'm not ready to cry or I don't feel the urge to. I might be sad, but I don't always have to cry.
With all the "good" and "getting better" going on, I still find myself wondering what happened to my pregnancies...all three of them! The first time we lost a baby (Feb, 2010), it was considered a blighted ovum. A Blighted Ovum (in lamens terms), is where the egg has fertilized but doesn't develope past a certain stage (usually after several weeks). That was tough, but we also considered that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so although we didn't like the circumstance, we just put it behind us and decided to keep trying. Well, once again we conceived (Summer, 2010) with our sweet Selah (see picture). There were a few hiccups within the first trimester, but nothing terrible or harmful to the baby. We continued celebrating the pregnancy and were looking foward to holding our little girl! We made it to the 3rd. trimester and then the worst thing that could've happened, happened....we lost her. Two months before she would enter this world, she was gone. Just like that. Again?! No rhyme or reason, just gone. Test showed no abnormalities, no blood disorder, no positive results to any one test. She was a healthy baby, that was full of energy when awake (loved to poke and wake me almost every night! lol) We pulled ourselves together once again, with our faithful Lord beside us all the way, and of course tons of support from friends and family alike! :) Healed from that heartache, we put ourselves out there, willing to take a chance on love...once again. And again I ask "why?" For this 3rd. pregnancy ended almost the same as the first, not as a Blighted Ovum, but as a "typical" miscarriage. We went in for our first ultrasound at 6 wks, 1 day and saw the heartbeat! We were overjoyed with the news of another baby!! Two weeks later (this past Thursday, Jan. 12), just to ease our minds, we went back in for a 2nd. ultrasound to see the baby's growth and to hear the heartbeat. No heartbeat to see or hear; the baby stopped growing the day of our last ultrasound at 6 wks, 1 day. Again?! Yes, again. :(
But I state, even as I grieve...God is still God, and God is Good!!
I remember the day i found out we had lost Aaron. You were right there with me, through it all, standing strong for me when I couldn't, holding my hand, crying with me, telling me it would be ok. I told you, I never wished that kind of hurt on anybody and I meant that. I never would have imagined a year later you, my best friend & my sister would be walking in those same shoes. Some days I just sit here, shaking my head trying to understand and grasp all that has happened to you and Bobby and I'm so sad. I'm so sad you are hurting and struggling - it hurts me so much to watch you walk this path God has set before you, yet I am just as encouraged to watch your faith just explode! I love you so much, Ashley!
ReplyDelete"neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39
Thanks, Kimberly. I love you!
DeleteYou are such an amazing woman Ashley. I admire you and Bobby for your strength and your positive attitudes. And you know God has a plan. We don't always know why but we can trust that he will take care of everything. Always here for you and love you!
ReplyDeleteYes, He has a perfect plan...it's hard when we don't know what it is sometimes, however. Guess that's where faith comes in, huh? This experience has truly strengthened our faith and increased our trust in God, that's for sure!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words of encouragement; you're a great friend!