Testimony

Bobby and I had our testimony recorded this past week and it will be shown at church this Sunday! Pray that God receive the Glory and that lives are changed!! We are but mere human beings, but God can take our words and use them for greatness.

Thyroid Blood Work

Tomorrow I have my blood tested to check my thyroid level (ugh). I have a good feeling it's really off again! Fatigue and constantly feeling hungry are good descriptors of me lately...two side effects of unregulated thyroid. I'll find out the results next week.

Bobby

What would I do without my husband? I would be a different person, that's for sure. He's been our spiritual leader over these 9 years of marriage, but he's much more than that! He's worked hard to provide our living expenses and has supported and loved me through everything I've gone through over the years....and I've been through a lot! This past year, 2o11 was the first year he's not known me as a "college girl" and he was there for that crazy transition. I had a great education over the years and I enjoyed the many jobs I had as well. Student teaching was a struggle, but my awesome, amazing husband stepped up and became my study partner, part-time paper writer, homework grader, and even stayed up when I pulled all-nighters many a time! Many days I would come home stressed, crying and saying that I wanted to quit; he would hold me, pray with me and tell me that we would pull through this struggle and overcome this time with God's help. He was a rock....my rock!! All this, while I was pregnant, too!

As different as we are in some ways (because I wouldn't climb the Grand Teton's as much as he wouldn't be a school teacher) we find ways to make it work, and we have fun doing it...most of the time anyway! lol We are similar, however when it comes to most other decisions, such as our pets and vacations. We always agree on where to go, whether out west to Wyoming or out to sea on a cruise...they're always full of memories. We take time to visit our families and friends, though I feel we could do better. We love each and every one of them! We take time to go walking through the woods on a cold, snowy night (see picture), and to read our favorite books together. One way I can say we are similar, without a single doubt, is how much we want a child of our own to hold, care for and raise as strong, Christian human beings! Bobby will no doubt be a hands-on father, who will take time to care for, love and support his child(ren). His insight, knowledge, and forethought on things put him above the average! Of course, I'm biased...but, I don't feel I'm off too much on this one. He enjoys children (I mean, he did envision building an outdoor adventure program with kids in mind). The way he treats his nieces and nephews, holding, cuddling and giving Godly advice to them, shows me that he'd be a fantastic father!!

I love Bobby and all he is to me, and I wouldn't trade him for the world!!

Rest

Since surgery last week, I've been restless during the night, either from not being able to fall asleep or being woke up from bad dreams. I don't drink caffeine or eat too late, so I know these factors don't play a part in why I have trouble sleeping. I get sleepy early, but if I allowed myself to fall asleep, I'd wake back up late night or early morning and not be able to go back to sleep....so I keep myself up. I finally get to bed between 10-10:30, but then can't fall asleep until close to midnight (I just toss and turn).

The dreams are vivid and when I awake, sometimes I have tears in my eyes. I dream that I've lost another child or that Selah is running towards me but I can't touch her. Just the other day, I dreamt that I was at Julie's house (my best friend) and I was holding out my arms to catch her little girl, Kayley, when at that very moment, God gave a vision of Selah and the arms that I had for Kayley were all of a sudden filled with my beautiful little girl. For a split moment in my dream, I have the biggest smile on my face! Julie also sees this vision and when it's over, I'm then holding Kayley and crying uncontrollably, with Julie by my side. When I woke up, I was almost in tears and immediately started praying for God to "put me back to sleep without more crazy, sad dreams". This dream occured the day before I went to visit Julie and Kayley, ironically enough, so of course I thought it could really come true...maybe, just maybe I'd get a view of my girl. It didn't happen.

Please pray that if I dream, that I am graced with peaceful dreams or in my own words, "butterflies and rainbows". :) Please also pray that when I fall asleep, I sleep all the way through the night, with no interruptions of any kind (dreams, pee breaks, pains, etc).

Love ya'!

Again?!

Well, today has been a bit easier all together, emotionally and physically (since surgery on Thursday). I praise God for that, because after my last DNC I wasn't feeling great for a few weeks afterward; God's grace at work! My stomach feels much better and I haven't cried.

I awoke this morning wanting to attend church (in my heart), but very tired and crampy physically....so I stayed home. I watched a sermon on television and although very good, I knew I was missing something good at church (that's typically how it works! lol) I prayed, then decided it was time to get up and move about some, hoping it would help my stomach cramps. I cleaned, then rested, cleaned, then rested some more. After lunch, I began feeling much better, organizing my food storage containers and such. Emotionally, I am in pretty good spirits on the outside, but still hurting on the inside. I kinda just feel "blah". I mean, I laugh and smile, but it wouldn't take very much to make me cry either. PS> When I'm not crying, it's not because I'm "trying to be strong" or "holding it in" ; it's because I'm not ready to cry or I don't feel the urge to. I might be sad, but I don't always have to cry.

With all the "good" and "getting better" going on, I still find myself wondering what happened to my pregnancies...all three of them! The first time we lost a baby (Feb, 2010), it was considered a blighted ovum. A Blighted Ovum (in lamens terms), is where the egg has fertilized but doesn't develope past a certain stage (usually after several weeks). That was tough, but we also considered that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so although we didn't like the circumstance, we just put it behind us and decided to keep trying. Well, once again we conceived (Summer, 2010) with our sweet Selah (see picture). There were a few hiccups within the first trimester, but nothing terrible or harmful to the baby. We continued celebrating the pregnancy and were looking foward to holding our little girl! We made it to the 3rd. trimester and then the worst thing that could've happened, happened....we lost her. Two months before she would enter this world, she was gone. Just like that. Again?! No rhyme or reason, just gone. Test showed no abnormalities, no blood disorder, no positive results to any one test. She was a healthy baby, that was full of energy when awake (loved to poke and wake me almost every night! lol) We pulled ourselves together once again, with our faithful Lord beside us all the way, and of course tons of support from friends and family alike! :) Healed from that heartache, we put ourselves out there, willing to take a chance on love...once again. And again I ask "why?" For this 3rd. pregnancy ended almost the same as the first, not as a Blighted Ovum, but as a "typical" miscarriage. We went in for our first ultrasound at 6 wks, 1 day and saw the heartbeat! We were overjoyed with the news of another baby!! Two weeks later (this past Thursday, Jan. 12), just to ease our minds, we went back in for a 2nd. ultrasound to see the baby's growth and to hear the heartbeat. No heartbeat to see or hear; the baby stopped growing the day of our last ultrasound at 6 wks, 1 day. Again?! Yes, again. :(

But I state, even as I grieve...God is still God, and God is Good!!